"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript


[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"

[Geordi] "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
functions."

[Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

. . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."

[Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

[Picard] "Data, what does your scanners show?"

[Data] "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

[Picard] "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

. . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

[Geordi] "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called
the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

[Picard] "How much time will that buy us ?"

[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."

[Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

[Picard] "Identify."

[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo."

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

[Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

[Riker] "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"

[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits."

[Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers !!"

[Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

[Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived."

[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape', it
often proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

[Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."