Warning: although these texts are not meant to be taken seriously at all, they do contain extreme and exaggerated gore, violence and cruelty against people of all age groups and animals. They are unsuitable for children under 16 years and other susceptible persons. Before reading any of these stories, first read the warning about the Weird Stuff section, and the disclaimer.

Thiri and the Bus

One day Thiri went to SALCO again, rather because he felt like slaughtering pupils than teaching. His day started well: a cat was sleeping in front of his door and he snatched it with its tail and flung it into the air. The creature probably would have landed on its paws, if Thiri wouldn't have caught it with his roaring chain saw. Luckily he was wearing a red sweater, otherwise it might have struck the eye. Thiri bound the cat, sawn half open, with its tail to the rear bumper of his car. He started driving about like a maniac. When he came at a roundabout, he started turning around it. He had taken the turn five times at a speed of 115 km per hour when the cat's tail finally broke free as a result of centrifugal force, causing the cat to slam into a passer-by. This man however didn't wear a red sweater, making it clear that he had have to deal with Thirion in some way.
His next victim was an old woman ailingly crossing the street. As she came into Guido's line of sight, his first relfex was: step on the gas. If she had continued stumbling, she might have been able to escape, but she was paralysed in such a way when she saw the car coming down at her at insane speed, that she couldn't react anymore. She had a little dog with her, yapping loud and trying to get away. The poor little animal however was attached to a nylon leading-string, which the woman clung convulsively.
At a velocity of 200 km per hour Thiri reached the woman. With a loud, dull blow the woman first slammed against the front bumper, causing both legs to be crushed at once, and not even a tenth of a second later she smashed into the windscreen, which was smashed as well, together with her shoulder, five ribs, and of course, her skull (but that's only a detail). While the blood came spouting out through countless wounds, the woman described a nice, parabolic trajectory (equation: y = -0.75x2) over the car. The doggie was dragged along but remained unhurt as by wonder. But Thiri turned his car and slowly approached the yelping animal, that kept jerking at the string. When the dog was just in front of his tyre he lowered his speed even more. And so the doggie was crunched very slowly. The little creature died a 20 times slower than its mistress. Thiri drove over it ten more times, as he always does when he has mashed a prey. This turned the animal into a totally unrecognisable mess. One wouldn't even be able anymore to see that it had actually been a dog.
Next he drove at 150 km per hour to SALCO, for this little detention almost had caused him to be late at school. He filled the lack of a windscreen by putting on his special motorbike goggles.
But what did strike his eye when he arrived there? A bus with second-classers! He had forgotten entirely that they went on school-journey and that he consequently didn't have to teach today. So he had come for nothing, and that made him so angry he slammed head-on into the bus. In order to silence the bus-driver, he mowed him down with his machine gun, straight across the windshield. A few kids had managed to get the emergency exit open, but Thiri carbonised them with the flame-thrower that lay on his rear seats. To prevent more kids from trying to escape, he riddled the bus at the height of their legs. The crying and screaming children got on his nerves in such a way that he decided to finish them as fast as possible. He took his chain saw, which was at the place where in a normal car the fire-extinguisher can be found. After having sawn a round hole in the wall of the bus to get inside, he started to slaughter the kids in the most original ways. He said, for example, to a pupil with three bullets in his legs: "Do your legs hurt? I'll take care that they won't be able anymore to cause pain." And he sawed both his legs off. Another pupil, who was buried under a heap of riddled and burned pupils, was still unharmed, but Guido sawed his head off and put it onto another beheaded pupil. Since this experiment didn't produce anything interesting, he slapped the head off again with an arm that he had sawn off somewhere else. Another boy was sawn in two from the bottom upwards. He tried to saw yet another one into slices, but because this didn't succeed, he turned him into forcemeat.
After all pupils were "processed", he took a few cans of kerosene out of his trunk and poured the entire bus with children with it. His lighter was empty and he didn't feel like turning on his flame-thrower again, so he fired at the bus until it took fire. He had to find another vehicle for himself, for his car wasn't usable anymore. So he stole Frits C.'s car.
When he arrived at a friend of his, who had a lot of stolen cars, he blocked the car's gas pedal and steered it to a wall. With a velocity of 180 km per hour the car smashed against it. A lot of kinetic energy was transformed into warmth during the collision.
With a "new" car he drove home well-disposed. His trip hadn't been as useless as he first had expected.

12-1993, translated: 05-1997